Life Changing moments.
When I was in high school there was a movie starring Gwyneth Paltrow,
Sliding Doors, that attempted to show how a difference of a moment can change the future forever. In the movie the main characters life splits when in one timeline she makes a subway train, and in the other she does not. In one timeline she finds true love and a flourishing career; in the other she's stuck in a dead end relationship and a two dead end jobs. One moment of change, two completely different lives.
All of us have these guidepost moments; the moments where one experience, one,thought, or even one comment changes the direction that our lives go. Whenever we look back at these moments it's hard to resist the idea of thinking, "What if...?" Where would my life be if I didn't have this experience? What would be different?
One of my "what if?" moments was recently prompted by an article I saw about thyroid cancers,
Thyroid Cancer Rise Mostly Overdiagnosis. The article states that the number of people diagnosed with thyroid cancer has tripled between 1975 and 2009, most of the diagnoses being that of small papillary cancers. At the same time deaths from thyroid cancer stayed at exactly the same rate. The authors conclude that,
"Patients....might be better served with a less intensive diagnostic and treatment approach to these cancers, and even by relabeling them using a term other than cancer. "
My cancer: Papillary thyroid malignancy (cancer)
My treatment: Complete thyroidectomy (take the entire thyroid out) with full radiation treatment x 2
So what if...they had decided to not label my cancer as "cancer?" What could have been different in my life? I wouldn't have had surgery, I wouldn't have two rounds of radiation therapy. My doctor's wouldn't have spent the next three years attempting to get my hormone levels to the appropriate levels. I wouldn't have to take hormone supplements every morning. One of the major reasons that I had to leave nursing school back in 2004 was my inability to keep up with the demands of nursing school while undergoing treatment or while titrating my hormone replacement.
It seems that so much of what went wrong in a difficult period of my life can be directly attributed to my diagnosis of cancer. What would my life be if I didn't have this experience? My initial thoughts ran along the lines of, "So much better than now!" Further reflection gives a more nuanced answer. Sure, I would love to not worry about thyroid medication every morning. I'm not sure that I could do without other differences.
I recently was admitted to the University of Utah nurse practitioner program. I had a friend who's academic achievements appeared to be somewhat similar to mine. He had a competitive grade point average, volunteered, and participated in the nursing departmental honors program. He also applied to the University of Utah NP program. He didn't even make the interview phase.Is it possible that my admittance to the program might also be an indirect result of my cancer?
Because of my cancer I finished my bachelor's in nursing with almost a decade of nursing experience; a significant portion of that time in management and leadership positions. Without cancer, I would have been applying to nurse practitioner schools with a year and a half of nursing experience. All of which would have been in an entry level position. The years of experience, the management experience had to have made some difference in the selection process. Not to mention the "overcoming" cancer storyline that I'm able to tell.
Another, larger possibility of how my life would be different. If I didn't have cancer would I have met and married Wendy? This is a harder question to answer. I know that I'm more humble, more willing to accept that I have limits, and more willing to be influenced by others. Would Wendy have been attracted to the more "egotistical", independant me? My soul shudders if the answer would be no.
While it's nice to think about how the classification of my disease might have made my life different. I find myself under the cliched realization that my experiences have shaped me. I am who I am because of my cancer, my treatment, and how it has affected my life. I love the life I have.
